Silent Struggles

art

This project was created as a final project for an Observational Drawing course that I took in Spring 2021, the second semester of my sophomore year at Northeastern University. Materials: charcoal, graphite pencil, colored pencil.

At the time that I created this piece, the majority of the U.S. (and the rest of the world) was still practicing social distancing, following work-from-home procedures, and physically interacting with others only out of necessity, among other COVID-19 precautions. Because of this, I don't think I'm alone in admitting that this period of my life was a particularly lonely one. I began making this piece in April of 2021, and three months prior, in January 2021, I had moved into my first off-campus apartment in which I lived entirely by myself. All of my classes that year were held online which was an interesting experience considering only one of my four classes was a lecture, and the rest were studio art and design classes. The eight months that I spent living alone for the first time in the midst of a global pandemic were full of unanticipated growth and self-discovery to say the least. And I believe this project reflects that experience.

Click on the image to take a closer look at the final product or continue scrolling to read about my process.

The general goal of this assignment was to "use observation as our starting point to create something personal and expressive."

We had started the course by simply drawing objects as we observed them and applying learned techniques that would maximize our accuracy in recreating these objects on paper with a pencil. As the semester progressed, we slowly transitioned into creating a form of abstraction by producing quick and spontaneous sketches of objects without the option to erase any mistakes.

This final project was seemingly a culmination of everything that we had learned that semester. It combined the technical skills we had first acquired at the beginning of the course with the liberty to decide whether our "mistakes" were accidental or intentional. It would all depend on what we wanted to communicate through our work, which could be anything we wanted it to be.

As my professor noted in the last section of her written instructions, it truly did feel like I was entering the project with no expectations or assumptions of the final product because of how vague the assignment was. In retrospect, it's interesting how the final words, "have fun with it, commit to it, fall in love with it and experiment and explore," were such an accurate description of the experience that I had creating this piece.

Final project: TRANSFORMATION and CONTENT.

by transformation i mean a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance.

content is the meaning behind the work eg personal or political or something else.

Scale and format: any size. doesnt have to be rectangular.

Medium: any as long as it has a connection to drawing in some way.

What: we once again use observation as our starting point to create something personal and expressive. it could live between both worlds of representation and abstraction, or representation, or purely abstraction. what happens when you take something you see and transform it into something else/ new/ unique. this project is pretty wide open. its your chance to draw off all that you've gained so far and go further with it.

Why: art/design/innovation of any kind uses transformation. art transforms the world around us into another medium, materials into new objects and images, and then can transform the way the viewer sees the world. it can be a powerful tool. transformation is one of the most important aspects of all we do and all we become.

how can the world around you be used as a source of inspiration for something else? this becomes incredibly important in times of difficulty and creative blocks. the act of making, the activity of working will develop into something if you give it a chance. it doesn't matter what your starting point is.

during class, we looked at examples of artists who use transformation, expression, concept, content, the personal, the formal elements of value contrast, shape, line, colour. the artists also discussed their materials, processes and concepts/meaning behind their work.

you will need to trust the process of working in the dark, of being in the unknown, potentially not knowing what the end product may be. have fun with it, commit to it, fall in love with it and experiment and explore.

Text excerpt from the project instructions, written by Professor Sophia Ainslie.

The polaroids hanging above are photographs of the walls in my apartment in 2021. Click on either to see the image on a larger scale.

After establishing the goal, the next step in my creative process would usually involve performing research of some kind. However, in this situation, I wasn't quite sure what I was searching for yet, as the pool of options for project ideas was overwhelmingly large. I, then, was open to any kind of inspiration. I was eventually led to the conclusion that all of the art I had created consisted of happy or trivial motifs and I had yet to produce something visual with an implication of a negative event or emotion. While this fact wasn't necessarily something that I felt needed to be changed, it was something I wanted to explore.

After the online class meeting in which my professor assigned us the project, I immediately wanted to begin the process as to not waste any time and ensure that I fully complete whatever I eventually decided to do by the deadline. Once I had shut my computer, the next step was to find inspiration from something, and because of the poor weather on that Friday morning and the fact that we were in a global pandemic, this "something" inevitably would have to come from my own living space. Luckily for me, I did not even have to get up, as every corner of my small studio apartment in Boston was visible from any spot in the space.

As someone who consistently strives to create an environment for myself in which I can thrive in, it is no surprise that my apartment was filled with illustrations with colors and objects that are pleasing to my eye. I painted these illustrations myself, as I knew what kind of images would spark joy whenever I happened to look at them. Upon scanning my apartment, it occurred to me that I found a lot of comfort in creating art that evoke peaceful emotions and rarely dealt with concepts that were personal to me and could lead to deeper reflection.

After some thought, it occurred to me that the most personal topic to focus on would simply be myself. I decided I would separate from what I was typically comfortable with and would make a self-portrait.

Once I had decided on a general topic, my research consisted of looking to my previous sketches from the semester that were made with the main goal of recreating objects accurately on paper and to consider what challenges I may encounter.

I referred to these drawings as they were going to be my starting point in executing this project. The main objective was to start with observation which would later be developed. At this step, I wanted to remind myself of the effective techniques in observational drawing and consider what my favorite parts of drawing were.

Something that I think can completely alter what is observed is perspective– both in literal terms and in respect to how humans perceive the world. As I would would draw the three-dimensional objects I'd observe in my apartment, my point of view was changing constantly as it was impossible to keep my body in the exact same spot each time I looked up and looked down to draw on the paper. In making my self-portrait, I knew it would be easiest to simply take a picture of myself and use that for reference, as it would be extremely difficult to just refer to my reflection in the mirror. Therefore, the challenge of physically viewing my object from different angles would be avoided because I'd be referring to a flat image.

However, I realized that viewing my subject from a singular perspective would still be a challenge in another sense. I think one of the reasons I had yet to create a self-portrait at that time was because I knew it would be difficult to see myself simply as I was and not let the way that I perceived myself effect the result. As any other human being, I, of course, do have insecurities in my physical appearance. There would then be a challenge to draw what I actually looked like and not let my subconscious lead me to a depiction of what I might've wished I looked like.

The images above feature sketches that I had made throughout the semester. Click the arrows to browse through, or click on an image to enlarge it.

In recognizing how important the concept of perspective is in observational drawing, I decided to further delve into that idea by creating something representative of different perspectives of myself.

This step really just consisted of planning my project mentally, as I didn't want it to be too planned out to allow for the exploration of different ideas as I thought of them. The general idea was to combine fragmented pieces of two different self-portraits.

On a 12x18" sheet of paper, I tore pieces of parchment paper and used masking tape to attach them. I had an image of myself on my iPad for reference and sketched the first portrait out, avoiding the sections that I covered.

Using various graphite pencils and a blending stump, I began to draw the first portrait. The image I used for reference was a picture of myself with a neutral facial expression that didn't convey many emotions other than content. This was drawn in regular graphite pencil, as this color would reflect the neutrality. A topic that we covered in the course was the use of shading, which also happens to be my favorite part of drawing. I began with lightly shading over the outlines I had drawn and continued to build on that shading, using darkness to emphasize the highlights and vice versa.

Once I felt that my first portrait was sufficiently accurate, I took the pieces of parchment paper off and sketched out the second portrait. I began with using graphite pencil and eventually transitioned into blue colored pencil.

Fortunately for me, I happened to already have a few pictures of myself in a less-than-ideal emotional state. I used a few images as references and added elements that would enhance the emotions I was experiencing in those images. I initially was going to try to use the same graphite pencils I had used for the first portrait but eventually decided to use blue colored pencil so that there was a stronger distinction between the two. I kept building on the colors and creating clearer lines until I felt that the two portraits weren't blending together but that fragments of each were lost and replaced with pieces of the other.

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Browse through individual images of the drafts above or view the progression below.

It wasn't until I finished this piece, cleaned up my space, put away my materials, and looked at it from afar that I understood the weight that it held.

I began this project with the assumption that I would simply be using the techniques I had learned in class to create something that served a purpose larger than the accurate representation of an observed scene. While I do feel that this was something I achieved, I also think that I applied these techniques in ways that I hadn't expected. As I mentioned, perspective was a crucial part of the drawings I had made that semester, and this piece was no different. Not only was I using two different perspectives of myself, but the way in which one can interpret this piece would again depend on perspective. There isn't a singular idea that I can take away from this piece either, even though this is my own piece of work. For much of my other designs, drawings, and paintings, I usually design with the goal of effectively communicating a specific message. However, this was a rare case in that I wouldn't be able to define one concrete idea behind the drawing.

I'd say that upon first glance, some might see this as a representation of the idea that there is usually much more to a person than what might be visible. Or it could be a depiction of a broken person whose well-being is being pieced together again. And while I do think those are two completely viable options, when I look at this, I see a surrender to embrace all parts of oneself and the idea that people don't have to view things as good or bad, but it is possible to simply be indifferent. Both portraits take up the same amount of space on the paper, which I think reinforces that concept. I seemed to have conveyed this idea in my final product, but it was also something that I had learned in the process of creating this multi-faceted image of myself. Eventually, I was able to ignore whatever features or aspects of my appearance that I might've wished I had and learned to just draw what I see.

I also did make it a point to create a distinction between the two images and not just blend them together. To accept all parts of myself is to acknowledge that they exist, which is why the fragments of the the two portraits are defined. Different parts of the images are also blended more smoothly, while other areas can clearly show the history of the pencil strokes I had made. I think there is something to say about remembering events in life that have made an impact, whether it be negative or positive, and letting it become a part of who I am without letting it distract from or drastically change who I am as a human being. I noted that one of my favorite parts of drawing is shading, and I thoroughly enjoyed getting to use that skill in this project. I've always liked being able to see how light and dark areas complement each other and how most people don't really focus on a certain shadow or highlight when they view a piece of work but rather the contrasting features further establish a general image. I think this idea can also apply to human beings in some sense.

I have yet to have another experience creating something in the way that I drew this piece. I tend to be one who likes to plan things out and have organized thoughts before diving into a project, but I am glad that I felt otherwise when I began this process. I feel that the final product not only successfully captured what I had learned while taking this observational drawing course, but also reflected what I observed about my life and its events in the last few years. This drawing is certainly one of my favorites pieces of my work to date.

Dimensions

12" x 18"

Materials

Graphite pencil, colored pencil, and charcoal.